The Beginning in Blitar

 

Actually this is just a short story, so i wanna write my story in english. It is not because i can fluently talk or write in english, but i personally feel more comfortable and confident when i write in english. 

Well,  i dont know how to start it but here my story. A lot of thing happened in my life for the last 2-3 months. 

So i just will write randomly. But i hope i can express or tell my feeling through this writing. 

And i decide to give the name of this story with "Random Days in Blitar." 

So, my first work experience is in Blitar. I  have not certain reason why i choose to apply job here. But i just kinda feel upset or hopeless at the time. It cause so many coorporation reject me. In Surabaya and Kediri. 

Then one day, at the end of September, i got message from Human Resource Development (HRD) to came to their office, then i got an interview and then the coorporation accept me as one of their worker. 

Long story short, i would say Blitar is such a beautiful city, a warm city and obviously i met many great and humble and smart people here. 

Ammm...there are so many story in here, sadness, happines, hopeless also others feeling. 

I would say im not always feel happy and sad. But surely there is a day when i feel happy, sad, tired, exhausted,  etc. 

It is not easy to adapt with this condition, because before it, i never work in real life, i mean directly work in real place like shope, or office, market etc.... For your information (fyi) after graduated from university, i work as online freelancer. So every single day i just focus to work through online. 

I just feel so sure if i feel shocked with this condition, i feel it is hard for me. I just often feel uncomfortable with my own self. 

I dont even know well about my feeling. 

Am i feel sad? 

Am i feel happy? 

Am i worry?

Or others. 

But one thing that i believe so much is, i feel so guilty. And anxiety and confusing so fucking often....... 

Day by day i keep struggling, i understand well if i made lot of mistake during work. But as always my friend just try to make me calm. They like always say "its ok,,,gwenchana..." they were like normalize all mistake that i did. But still, this guilty feeling did not gone. 

I have so many great friends, great colleagues, and great customer in Blitar.They treat me so well, they make me feel safe, they are warm, and i do learn much of them. Even some of them also gave me several tips, tell me story, listen to my story, offer me help, etc.

I just wanna tell if i learn a lot in this city, truly learn a lot. ⁿot just common learn. I dont even can count how much great story that i have learned in this city. Cause i feel like i start it from zero. 👌

Well, i know this date can not represent all of the thing, but i learn a lot of thing, even like basic skill, 

How to say hi to others✔

How to clean floor✔

How to ask help, apologize and say thanks to others✔

How to choose good vegetable✔

How to choose fruit✔

etc.

But at the end of october, i think the condition not really different. my intrusive thought and negative thought start come in my mind. I would say it is so bad. 

It disturb me a lot, and always "on" when i do my work. 

Like every single day since that day, i always find many reason to resign from my job. 

It so disturb me, and i can not think well because of it. And since november, i think this negative thought is getting stronger, more bad than before. Unluckily it is not just hapen when in work place. But also in my home rent. 

Like every single day before go to work, there are some intrusive thought in my mind like : 

What kind of mistake that i will do? 

Is today gonna okay? 

There are so many job i need to fix today. Etc.. 

I need to being honest, these kinda negative thought so much give bad impact to me. And it happen till the last day i work in that place. 

There is a day when i pray to GOD, if i can not handle this anymore. I feel this is be a nightmare to me. I feel so exhausted, and it obviously give bad impact to my mental health and my phisical health. 

For more than a week at november, i do so often cry, in my room, and in work place sometimes. Even there is a day when i feel i wanna cry during walk on the street. 

But, again, eventhought i need to face many bad days. But i  also find many great story during work in my first work place. 

I find new friend and new people that treat me like my family,